Note: This post was written as a rant a while back, and after my last outing on the bike, I find it to still be true. The warm(ish) December weather is encouraging us cyclists to get a few extra miles outside before we're driven inside for the winter. We're out there. Just a heads-up...
I've been out on the road a lot lately.
Out on the road, full of Gu, electrolytes, and water. With my typical "angry bike ridin' music" rattling around in my brain can, I've had a chance to notice things about the way people drive around here. I've made mental notes. Lots of them, in fact, and I feel it is my duty to myself and other cyclists to blurt out some horribly unfair generalizations about who is driving and how.
For those of you who don't know this sort of thing, Nebraska has a convenient way of coding their license plates. For the ones that start with a number and a dash, the first number denotes the county that the car is registered in, thus making it easy for me to judge entire cities at a glance. For Lincoln and Omaha, it's a little tougher. It's just a series of letters and numbers. But have no fear, my Lincoln-and-Omaha people - you will also be judged accordingly.
Here we go:
3 - Gage county. Beatrice is the biggest city there. You people are okay. You tend to give me a fair amount of space and wait until it's a sensible time to pass me. I've seen a few of you get a bit too close, but I'm ready to be magnanimous and chalk that up to drivers being either very young or very old. For the most part, you're doing what you should be doing and not making my life difficult. Keep it that way.
6 - Saunders county. Wahoo. "Wahooligans". You have earned your demeaning nickname for a reason. I suppose at this point you are actually even proud of it or something. For whatever reason, you feel the need to go around buzzing people on the side of the road just because it makes you feel better. This sucks. I have never NOT had my left shoulder nearly taken off by someone whose license plate starts with a number six. I will give you one thing though - you are consistent.
11 - Otoe county. Nebraska City. You are the second worst of the lot, next to the nut farms from Wilber (I will get to those people in a minute). You are a CONSTANT threat to my bike, my head, and my life. Even those of you who have bike racks on your cars and should know better feel the need to try to blow me into the ditch. I'm telling you now, if you manage to knock me off my bike and break my wheels you WILL be buying another set - and they will NOT be on your bike. Seriously. Put yourself in my shoes.
22 - Saline county. Wilber. What the hell is wrong with you? Okay, you are very proud of your Czech heritage. I get that. It's cool. But you live in Nebraska now. There is no need to gather people to help overthrow a despotic dictatorial system of government, fight for your homes, or keep your neighbors from stealing all your stuff. You may not know it, but that is what is in your head whenever you get behind the wheel of a car. It's not "defensive driving" for you, it's an all-out war for survival. When you see a biker going down the road, you actually AIM for the poor fool as though he or she were a cruise missile targeting your house. I've had no less than FOUR near-death experiences this season and all of them involved large trucks, high speeds, and a 22-county license plate. Holy scary sideswipe, Batman.
The Lettered Bunch - R, P. Lincoln and Omaha. You, like the good folks in Gage county, are pretty cool. You get it. When you see bikes and people, you move over. Sometimes you even wave. A few weeks ago, some nice person with the window rolled down let me hitch a ride up a hill because he could see that I was clearly struggling. That was cool. You also wait for us at intersections instead of bolting out in front. Keep it up.
The Lettered Bunch - O. Lincoln and Omaha. You are all dangers to peaceful and organized society. Every single one of you. If your license plate starts with the letter O you will not escape my stereotype. I know that I am your moving target. You tail us, swipe at us, bait us into intersections and then jump out in front of us at the last second. It sucks. It really sucks. I will avoid you if at all possible, but I swear, if you hit me (which seems inevitable at this point) I will milk your insurance company until it squeals. You name it, I will wring it out of 'em and make sure you pay. I have no moral or ethical hangups about doing that. I've given up trying to make peace with you, so just understand that if you hit me, it will be expensive.
Wait a minute...MY license plate starts with O...
See? I told you this would be unfair.
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